Introspection

 

Thoughts. Reflections of the soul projected outwards through the lens of us. What makes us think how we do. It becomes second nature, how we think.

 Sometimes it's like someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull
And cut a six-inch valley through the middle of my skull
At night, I wake up with the sheets soakin' wet
And a freight train runnin' through the middle of my head
Only you can cool my desire
 

Thoughts.

 Thoughts are funny. They are something we do every waking secnond. What shapes them. Interactions, people around us, people who shape, polish and define our lens through which we project everything we see and we do. What does it mean to be a person. How much is us, how much is what people around us shape.

 

 

I had a house up on a hill, with a little garden and all the frills

and darling, you never came 

I had a train right on the track, now it's gone not coming back 

Should be quite a shame 

So take my house, take my river, 

take my bread, all but a sliver 

Darling, don't take my name 

Who you think you're running to? 

Heart's gone empty, why don't you just throw it away? 

Cause I'm gone…beyond the fray 

I took my time, did my duty, wanted you to see the beauty, 

lover, you got in my way 

You think you're god's gift to man, but next to me you couldn't stand 

to be seen so afraid 

So take my house, take my river, 

take my bread, all but a sliver 

Darling, don't take my name 

Take my bills, take my dryer, 

take my dishes if you're dire 

and burn 'em all, upon a pyre 

and lover, don't take my name 

Who you think you're running to? 

Heart's gone empty, means nothing to you if I don't stay

Cause I'm gone…beyond the fray 

Now I'm gone beyond the fray 

There's no way back
Just follow the road to the end
All turning black
The colors and light start to bend
My twisted face
Keeping you here in the now
The safest place, withering away

Would you push me underground?
Starless at sea
I am never coming down

Brush off this dirt
Time starts to mend
These wounds don't hurt
I'm born again

You went too far
Affecting your reality
It's all natural
Knock out the spores to proceed
Sweet tainted brew
A slight on your innocence
You're almost through, withering away

Brush off this dirt
Time starts to mend
These wounds don't hurt
I'm born again

Spend my life 
In low lit rooms 
Nursing sour beer 

Lean on wet travertine 
Take another sip 
I’ll tell you the gist 

I’m a hermit in the city 
Heavy Metal Hikikomori 
Soaked in sludge 
Hair down to my knees 

Can’t remember 
What was I thinking 
A past that’s mystery 
Lost in works routine 

Crushed pride 
Depersonalized 
Egodystonic misery 

Not somebody, 
A body 
Ripped seams 
Stiches sagging 

Ill lay it on you 
Loose my tongue 
To noose my neck 

Nothing gets easier 
Than giving up 
The beat goes on 
Harder through the years 

So always watch 
When others look away 
Scrutinize each hand 
Cause they’re all dealt 
From the bottom of the deck 

You can’t win any way 
Should you refuse to play 

You lose 
Eliminated 

To ends unknown
By means unworthy
To answer wishes
Long dead and gone
Old empty promises
A just reward for the blind
Belief makes work for idle minds
We lost our way

The only dream that matters
Is the one you wake up from

I haven't done this in a while... being awake, thinking... reading, listening...

I'm not sure what is on my mind.

A bottle of whiskey and music... It feels oddly familiar...

Right now – right here
We stand alone
Against pitiless indifference
We stand alone
Forever confounded by the broadening margins
Taken out of context and in to denial
Give in to ignorance and the world responds in kind
Put an end to the search and nullify this sense of life

I feel troubled, conflicted, confused... Not even sure what about...

The world? The conflicts? The blame? Why is this happening?

Alone in silence
Yes I am frightened and so are you
Against pitiless indifference
We stand alone

I'm worried I'm becoming too indifferent... I know i care, but I find it hard to do so... 

I'm want to change things, I want to change people, but I feel I can't...

Why must all be so ignorant and hateful?

At a certain point it happens
Life becomes too real
And nothing can hold back
What is about to be

I don't know
How close we need to get
To blind out the surroundings
And focus on the real

...

I know
Yet I fail to find purpose and form
I know
But the truth just makes it harder

I feel... like I'm looking at truth where I avoided looking on purpose...

I know you’re gone
But this reality is crashing down on me
Crashing down
To defeat all purpose
I know you’re gone
I'm just not ready
I'm just not done
I am ever
In resistant disbelief

I've tried to focus on myself for a while. The experiences with certain people in the past made me want to wish for normality and maybe trying to just be happy a bit too much. 

Let your heroes burn their crowns
You're better than this I know
This world can change the best of us
Sometimes for the worst
Sometimes for the ones we try to hold
The ones we hold on to

I feel like I'm waking. I've forced myself to dream, to be hopeful. Blindingly so.

Bring out your fear
Bring out your death
for now we lie to ourselves to live
sorrow will find you
you're the only one who knows
things I never say
and nothing can be done
til skies are clear again
these are things we never talk about
so hear me out this time
I know one day this sorrow will find you

I'm doubting. I thought I knew what I wanted, the people around. Keeping myself busy, keeping social. The interactions start feeling normal, start feeling good, yet an emptiness remains...

My insecurity extends
To others talking about themselves
Fed with this poison of
Self righteous false confidence
It's in their eyes
It's in our lives

Am I just trying to distract myself from the fact that nothing actually matters? I keep saying nothing does, so just do what makes you feel good.

All you can feel
Is the loss of who you are
It's not about you
All you will know
Is the void of emptiness
By force or the flame
This merciless fate

I spend a few days around people, away from my usual. I feel exhausted. One moment it feels good, the next I need to be away. Am I with  the wrong people? Are there right people? It feels good and yet it makes me feel trapped. I feel like I'm just afraid and avoiding commitment, yet should I not feel the want and need to commit if I find something worth doing that for?

Doing nothing being nothing
We are the favoured design
And we're wasting away

Here we are doing nothing
Being nothing
We are wasting away

From the roots below
To the boundless stars above
We are nothing at all
Wasting away

Wasting away... that is what I feel... Yet I do not feel like changing that. What for? For what? 

Why do I get out of bed? Because that's what you're supposed to do. Because I want to do things to waste away the time I have here. I tick away my time here dreading going back to work, I tick away my time at work waiting to get back home to do what? To waste away the hours, the days until it repeats. No grand purpose, no grand goal, no grand vision. Searching for fulfillment in the minute day-to-day activities. A burger, a whiskey, a chat, a walk... for what? For feeling good in the moment? What else can I hope for? Making it more efficient to find the immediate satisfaction in my "free" time with things, people and activities? End of the day it will still feel like nothing. Is there anything else? All I hope for is to one day find a purpose for anything I do. I long for the day. 

Meanwhile... might as well try and enjoy the days I have. Maybe try to find solace in the fact I have no responsibilities and no commitments and I am free to do as I please. Free to do nothing, free to drink away the hours, free to waste away the days.

-M

vittus

ma ei tea isegi mis keeles kirjutama hakata

Lost.

Ma olen lõpuks leidnud oma elule mõtte. Ma tunnen et olen lihtsalt sihtmärgita ringi uidanud varem.

Ma poleks iial never ever kunagi uskunud kui oleksin teadnud varem mis juhtub.... et üks inimene suudab mu maailmavaate ja tunded täiesti completely korrastada.... i am at peace.... ma lõpuks tunnen et ma olen teinud midagi oma eluga ja ma ei ole täielik waste of space....

AND YET here i am... she is upstairs sleeping and me... being right next to her stood up and now am here... sitting with a drink, listening to music and writing this... instead of enjoying the time i have left with her right now....

im scared... i dont want to lose this... never in my wildest craziest dreams could i have conjured the image of such.........................................................connection...yes....connection.... i feel like i have a fibre optic connection between minds and bodies... it is just fucking beautiful... immaculate.... i miss it even after a few hours...

"GET USED TO IT"

words said as a bit of a joke i assume.... it stings, a lot... i told myself i will never do THAT mistake again... but here i am finding myself with no emotional walls... i find it slightly hard to believe that i have opened myself so much to somebody.... its just.... we have been together now for (let me check exactly)... yeah its our 7th month together... a few months less off living together... OH YEAH did i mention that we basically moved in together after being "a couple" for only about a month or two... fuck.... i dont know... i feel so free here... just everything that goes on makes sense, and that has not happened to me before... we dont  argue we dont fight... the connection... it is just there...

and yet here i am... doubting... conflicted... lost...

this is it...

its over...

she will be gone...

absolutely no certainty if i will even see her in months... years?

what do i do?

no way to just be with her....

save money and be miserable?

see old friends, earn no money and be miserable?

i feel like taking my bottle of gin, my car and just drive off... away...

i morbidly wish i had never found her.... ignorance is bliss huh...  no
 i would never trade these 6 months for anything... i have lived more during  this than i have in my whole life... by a lot... A LOT.... i thought i cared, i thought i loved.. no... i havent until now....it is just... fucking perfect...
she is just fucking perfect...so FUCKING perfect ...

Bury my heart in the woods
Spread my remains close by where the weeping willow stood
I'll be born again

Fuck. I suddenly find myself in the realization that... she does love me as much... so what i we are apart or a few measly months... i personally dont give a shit as long as soon enough i will find mysel in those arms again... i guess it is just an issue of trust... and what i have and want for us just happens to be just RESPECT and TRUST. And i myself i have a lot of it... i am willing to give everything (not that there is much of that) just to be with her...

i dont care anymore... she is the best thing that has ever crossed my path... i am willing to do anything that is possible just to be a better person for her and just to be with her... if i can make her happy... i will feel like my life has actually mattered... if not... and this doesnt work out... well...i dont th

vittus

a passionate expression of grief or sorrow.

Doom-Folk.

Genres are ridiculous sometimes. I can't really be bothered to specify what type of music this is. All I can say is that the combination of her beautiful voice and the lamentation it brings is something I can't compare to anything.

The dark themes, the cold melancholy that emanates from every track, the depressing acceptance of sorrow. All resonates with me personally. Beauty. The only word that really comes to mind when listening to this. Not the happiness and joy that is the most common concept of that word. The beauty of accepting the sadness within us and enjoying the darker shades we see around us. The beauty that you can only experience at 5am while chainsmoking in a misty sunrise.

Beauty.

Favourite tracks: We Hit A Wall, House of Metal, Destruction Makes the World Burn Brighter