Foreshadows.

So today I woke up with an immense feeling of guilt, shame and regret. Why did I have to drink that much and say all these stupid things... wait... I didn't... all a dream... fuck you brain.

So yeah, my brain decided that the only dream i have within 2 months has to be of post-drunk-shame-hangover. Not even the drinking part, only shame.

Well the feeling of relief was pretty damn good when I finally realized what the fuck is going on. I think I should take some mental notes from this... because the feeling is one of the worst for me, and next time it most likely wil not be a dream.

SELF CONTROL

All is dust.

"To talk of destiny and fate is foolish. Time, causality, the observer and the observed; we must treat our assumptions on all these matters with suspicion. We think of the past causing the future, but must that be so? Is fate created by trying to see it? What if we had not looked? Would matters have unfolded otherwise?" -A.A.

Small steps corrupt.

I move along a rubble strewn road 
Shells of burnt out enclosures spell a cracked code:  
Open to the air at last to breathe  
And fill as a cup of with rain  
Then flow to release holes of relief

The citadel is finally in shards 
It's gliterring shrapnel spread afar  
Piercing the masses weeping fom teargazes  
With a cold clean break an icy shatter it passes

I hope that I can find shelter before 
 Fever ferries me to the far shore  
I hope that I can find shelter before 
I realize I can't recognize me anymore

Those who are seeking searching shrieking 
For clean air to tear off those rooftops
A fiery secret for the dissatisfied  
The malcontent and the Wise  
Undisclosed to the overexposed is that nobody knows 
Expose the throat to electric liquors 
Caloric elixirs that build up the light  
Till the brain fills up hemorrhages and flickers

I hope that I can find shelter before 
Fever ferries me to the far shore  
I hope that I can find shelter before 
I realize I can't recognize me anymore

I hope that we can find shelter before 
Fever ferries us to the far shore 
I hope that we can find shelter before  
We realize we can't recognize ourselves anymore

When the stars begin to tumble downward  
And the Earth is consumed by dust and war  
I will go and I will not look backward
For there will be nothing to look for

I will not be waiting for a sign 
I will drive into the setting sun  
I may run dry or break down for the last time  
But I won't stop till I reach the ocean

Cast off your cloak of failure

Eden in the aftermath  
Eden in the aftermath

I will not be waiting for a sign 
I will drive into the setting sun 
I may run dry or break down for the last time  
But I won't stop till I reach the ocean

 Lately I have been trying to find the cause for my apathetic nature. First thing that comes to mind is the aforementioned hate towards most people. My realization though is the fact that I actually really like people. I love them. And that actually is the cause for apathy, since it is the easiest solution against disappointment. I feel as in everything my entire life that I have even slightly attached myself to emotionally has caused disappointment. Small steps over a long period of time have further led towards resentment

 Thankfully I am not a full-blown misanthrope just yet. Some people in my life still make me cautiously optimistic about future prospects. Trying not to make up things that do not exist, keeping my expectations relatively low, yet a flicker of hope remains to be seen behind the gray veil on apathy. I find it rather humorous that I am actually an extremely optimistic person by nature, always have been. I do believe that things find a way to settle and forcing change out of worry generally does not improve anything.

 Then again, maybe I am personally too stuck in my comfort zone of lazy. Just hoping that things work out somehow without me needing to interfere. Hard to say, to be honest. Most likely both stand somewhat true. The hardest is to find a balance between involvement and letting things settle. Trying to force things to where you want them to be can lead to many issues.

I will not be waiting for a sign 
I will drive into the setting sun 
I may run dry or break down for the last time  
But I won't stop till I reach the ocean

 Recently "quitting" my favourite past-time of nearly 2 years which has been Dota 2 has made me realize how I tend to not see the big picture with phenomenons that I have tied myself to emotionally. The fact is that I did not enjoy it for quite a while now, but my mind was still stuck in times long gone, times of enjoyment and fun.

 All good things must come to an end. It made me realize how I have behaved with multiple things over my short life. People who I have pushed away from myself because I am stuck in the past, not comprehending that things have indeed changed. I have pushed myself to near-obsession with the illusions my mind has created, trying to brute force things back to where I was happy. Sadly this type of fanaticism leads to nothing but disappointment, when I finally take that long needed step backwards and look at the situation from an objective standpoint.

When the stars begin to tumble downward  
And the Earth is consumed by dust and war  
I will go and I will not look backward
For there will be nothing to look for








 Disappointment is yet another small step towards the so-to-say corruption of apathy. The human mind (at least mine) tends to not like disappointment, so I have just constantly lowered my expectations from life. Occasionally thinking that maybe this world actually is just an intellectual wasteland where the empty husks of bandits roam, picking off and feasting on the rare bright lights. A wasteland where everybody is only after the immediate personal satisfaction, not a single care for the world and people around us.

 I often find myself in the middle of conflict as a neutral observer, and it really makes me wonder why I myself am rarely the one actually in the conflict. Is it my apathetic nature? Am I just friendly? I really do not know anything but the fact that most of these conflicts seem utterly and entirely pointless to me. Agitation over minor details that could have been easily overlooked, yet people dig into these like a dog to it's own vomit.

 Few want to admit that they have been wrong. I just wish for somebody to notice that these kind of pointless arguments lead to nothing. Ever. Wouldn't it be better to channel the energy put into finding flaws in your opponent towards finding a solution to the issue in unison? I doubt I will ever understand why people behave in this seemingly obtuse manner.

 AS I WAS SAYING. I intend to truly keep an eye on yet another obsession that is surely to enter my life. It will be hard to notice the small descent towards it, but I do think that I have learned at least a bit from my previous mistakes and I will do my hardest to make the future ones easier to bear or not exist. It is too easy to  fall back on the safety net of apathy and distancing yourself from things that you actually desir.

 Actually, most of all I need to fix my fear of initiation. My latest big mistakes have really made me scared of actually trying anything. I stay waiting and hoping for things to settle the way I want them. Not realizing it is like waiting for your room to clean itself. It might happen, but it is most likely better to just put in the effort and actually get the results instead of hoping and ending up disappointed. Not the best analogy since I can't see myself failing to clean my room and ending up disappointed. In life that sadly does happen and usually because of reasons largely unrelated to me, since forcing other people to feel the same way as you does not generally work. Speaking from personal experience. Yet I need to realize that it is better to live and be disappointed than sit in waiting and wither away, resenting all that you think in unobtainable. Giving your best will not leave room for disappointment.

Fear of disappointment should never overcome your actual desires.

"Always a teacher, always a student"  - A.A.

Yours truly,
-M 

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