ma ei tea isegi mis keeles kirjutama hakata
Lost.
Ma olen lõpuks leidnud oma elule mõtte. Ma tunnen et olen lihtsalt sihtmärgita ringi uidanud varem.
Ma poleks iial never ever kunagi uskunud kui oleksin teadnud varem mis juhtub.... et üks inimene suudab mu maailmavaate ja tunded täiesti completely korrastada.... i am at peace.... ma lõpuks tunnen et ma olen teinud midagi oma eluga ja ma ei ole täielik waste of space....
AND YET here i am... she is upstairs sleeping and me... being right next to her stood up and now am here... sitting with a drink, listening to music and writing this... instead of enjoying the time i have left with her right now....
im scared... i dont want to lose this... never in my wildest craziest dreams could i have conjured the image of such.........................................................connection...yes....connection.... i feel like i have a fibre optic connection between minds and bodies... it is just fucking beautiful... immaculate.... i miss it even after a few hours...
"GET USED TO IT"
words said as a bit of a joke i assume.... it stings, a lot... i told myself i will never do THAT mistake again... but here i am finding myself with no emotional walls... i find it slightly hard to believe that i have opened myself so much to somebody.... its just.... we have been together now for (let me check exactly)... yeah its our 7th month together... a few months less off living together... OH YEAH did i mention that we basically moved in together after being "a couple" for only about a month or two... fuck.... i dont know... i feel so free here... just everything that goes on makes sense, and that has not happened to me before... we dont argue we dont fight... the connection... it is just there...
and yet here i am... doubting... conflicted... lost...
this is it...
its over...
she will be gone...
absolutely no certainty if i will even see her in months... years?
what do i do?
no way to just be with her....
save money and be miserable?
see old friends, earn no money and be miserable?
i feel like taking my bottle of gin, my car and just drive off... away...
i morbidly wish i had never found her.... ignorance is bliss huh... no
i would never trade these 6 months for anything... i have lived more during this than i have in my whole life... by a lot... A LOT.... i thought i cared, i thought i loved.. no... i havent until now....it is just... fucking perfect...
she is just fucking perfect...so FUCKING perfect ...
Bury my heart in the woods
Spread my remains close by where the weeping willow stood
I'll be born again
Fuck. I suddenly find myself in the realization that... she does love me as much... so what i we are apart or a few measly months... i personally dont give a shit as long as soon enough i will find mysel in those arms again... i guess it is just an issue of trust... and what i have and want for us just happens to be just RESPECT and TRUST. And i myself i have a lot of it... i am willing to give everything (not that there is much of that) just to be with her...
i dont care anymore... she is the best thing that has ever crossed my path... i am willing to do anything that is possible just to be a better person for her and just to be with her... if i can make her happy... i will feel like my life has actually mattered... if not... and this doesnt work out... well...i dont th
Lost.
Ma olen lõpuks leidnud oma elule mõtte. Ma tunnen et olen lihtsalt sihtmärgita ringi uidanud varem.
Ma poleks iial never ever kunagi uskunud kui oleksin teadnud varem mis juhtub.... et üks inimene suudab mu maailmavaate ja tunded täiesti completely korrastada.... i am at peace.... ma lõpuks tunnen et ma olen teinud midagi oma eluga ja ma ei ole täielik waste of space....
AND YET here i am... she is upstairs sleeping and me... being right next to her stood up and now am here... sitting with a drink, listening to music and writing this... instead of enjoying the time i have left with her right now....
im scared... i dont want to lose this... never in my wildest craziest dreams could i have conjured the image of such.........................................................connection...yes....connection.... i feel like i have a fibre optic connection between minds and bodies... it is just fucking beautiful... immaculate.... i miss it even after a few hours...
"GET USED TO IT"
words said as a bit of a joke i assume.... it stings, a lot... i told myself i will never do THAT mistake again... but here i am finding myself with no emotional walls... i find it slightly hard to believe that i have opened myself so much to somebody.... its just.... we have been together now for (let me check exactly)... yeah its our 7th month together... a few months less off living together... OH YEAH did i mention that we basically moved in together after being "a couple" for only about a month or two... fuck.... i dont know... i feel so free here... just everything that goes on makes sense, and that has not happened to me before... we dont argue we dont fight... the connection... it is just there...
and yet here i am... doubting... conflicted... lost...
this is it...
its over...
she will be gone...
absolutely no certainty if i will even see her in months... years?
what do i do?
no way to just be with her....
save money and be miserable?
see old friends, earn no money and be miserable?
i feel like taking my bottle of gin, my car and just drive off... away...
i morbidly wish i had never found her.... ignorance is bliss huh... no
i would never trade these 6 months for anything... i have lived more during this than i have in my whole life... by a lot... A LOT.... i thought i cared, i thought i loved.. no... i havent until now....it is just... fucking perfect...
she is just fucking perfect...so FUCKING perfect ...
Bury my heart in the woods
Spread my remains close by where the weeping willow stood
I'll be born again
Fuck. I suddenly find myself in the realization that... she does love me as much... so what i we are apart or a few measly months... i personally dont give a shit as long as soon enough i will find mysel in those arms again... i guess it is just an issue of trust... and what i have and want for us just happens to be just RESPECT and TRUST. And i myself i have a lot of it... i am willing to give everything (not that there is much of that) just to be with her...
i dont care anymore... she is the best thing that has ever crossed my path... i am willing to do anything that is possible just to be a better person for her and just to be with her... if i can make her happy... i will feel like my life has actually mattered
