To ends unknown
By means unworthy
To answer wishes
Long dead and gone
Old empty promises
A just reward for the blind
Belief makes work for idle minds
We lost our way

The only dream that matters
Is the one you wake up from

I haven't done this in a while... being awake, thinking... reading, listening...

I'm not sure what is on my mind.

A bottle of whiskey and music... It feels oddly familiar...

Right now – right here
We stand alone
Against pitiless indifference
We stand alone
Forever confounded by the broadening margins
Taken out of context and in to denial
Give in to ignorance and the world responds in kind
Put an end to the search and nullify this sense of life

I feel troubled, conflicted, confused... Not even sure what about...

The world? The conflicts? The blame? Why is this happening?

Alone in silence
Yes I am frightened and so are you
Against pitiless indifference
We stand alone

I'm worried I'm becoming too indifferent... I know i care, but I find it hard to do so... 

I'm want to change things, I want to change people, but I feel I can't...

Why must all be so ignorant and hateful?

At a certain point it happens
Life becomes too real
And nothing can hold back
What is about to be

I don't know
How close we need to get
To blind out the surroundings
And focus on the real

...

I know
Yet I fail to find purpose and form
I know
But the truth just makes it harder

I feel... like I'm looking at truth where I avoided looking on purpose...

I know you’re gone
But this reality is crashing down on me
Crashing down
To defeat all purpose
I know you’re gone
I'm just not ready
I'm just not done
I am ever
In resistant disbelief

I've tried to focus on myself for a while. The experiences with certain people in the past made me want to wish for normality and maybe trying to just be happy a bit too much. 

Let your heroes burn their crowns
You're better than this I know
This world can change the best of us
Sometimes for the worst
Sometimes for the ones we try to hold
The ones we hold on to

I feel like I'm waking. I've forced myself to dream, to be hopeful. Blindingly so.

Bring out your fear
Bring out your death
for now we lie to ourselves to live
sorrow will find you
you're the only one who knows
things I never say
and nothing can be done
til skies are clear again
these are things we never talk about
so hear me out this time
I know one day this sorrow will find you

I'm doubting. I thought I knew what I wanted, the people around. Keeping myself busy, keeping social. The interactions start feeling normal, start feeling good, yet an emptiness remains...

My insecurity extends
To others talking about themselves
Fed with this poison of
Self righteous false confidence
It's in their eyes
It's in our lives

Am I just trying to distract myself from the fact that nothing actually matters? I keep saying nothing does, so just do what makes you feel good.

All you can feel
Is the loss of who you are
It's not about you
All you will know
Is the void of emptiness
By force or the flame
This merciless fate

I spend a few days around people, away from my usual. I feel exhausted. One moment it feels good, the next I need to be away. Am I with  the wrong people? Are there right people? It feels good and yet it makes me feel trapped. I feel like I'm just afraid and avoiding commitment, yet should I not feel the want and need to commit if I find something worth doing that for?

Doing nothing being nothing
We are the favoured design
And we're wasting away

Here we are doing nothing
Being nothing
We are wasting away

From the roots below
To the boundless stars above
We are nothing at all
Wasting away

Wasting away... that is what I feel... Yet I do not feel like changing that. What for? For what? 

Why do I get out of bed? Because that's what you're supposed to do. Because I want to do things to waste away the time I have here. I tick away my time here dreading going back to work, I tick away my time at work waiting to get back home to do what? To waste away the hours, the days until it repeats. No grand purpose, no grand goal, no grand vision. Searching for fulfillment in the minute day-to-day activities. A burger, a whiskey, a chat, a walk... for what? For feeling good in the moment? What else can I hope for? Making it more efficient to find the immediate satisfaction in my "free" time with things, people and activities? End of the day it will still feel like nothing. Is there anything else? All I hope for is to one day find a purpose for anything I do. I long for the day. 

Meanwhile... might as well try and enjoy the days I have. Maybe try to find solace in the fact I have no responsibilities and no commitments and I am free to do as I please. Free to do nothing, free to drink away the hours, free to waste away the days.

-M