"Äge lelutaja."

Jesus christ how horrifying.

Equinox

Just realized what a fucking mess this blog has become. I think I'm just overreacting and exaggerating with this bullshit, maybe I'm just bored.

F-F-F-F-F-Friday night motherfucker

Fridays always make me feel good, even though I haven't even been to work all week. Well not complaining, feeling nice.

Happy thoughts

Türa närvi ajab

ja ma ei ole inimene  kes närvi läheb lambist

Hail

I don't know what to think, to be honest. So I go out, have a good time, feeling like a normal person, but halfway in I just start feeling like absolute shit. I am enjoying my time, and the people around and yet I feel like shit. I don't fucking know anymore. What can I do? How do I make it stop. I can't enjoy anything I do anymore.

Jokingly I said I love myself so much I don't have any love left for others. I always felt like it's the other way around... I have nobody to give the love to, so the only option is to love myself... and I don't as much as I say I do... again... I don't know... I find it so hard to define my thoughts and feelings... am I just being a whiny emo bitch? I guess...

I often try to think what is normal, what should I feel and  think... but I know that everybody is different and there really isn't a certain way to feel... yet I feel lost, I feel different, I feel confused, I feel isolated... one second I can be right in the conversation and the next second I see myself being in a completely different plane of thought... what the fuck... god damn it... motherfucker... somebody fucking explain this shit to me please... I just want to enjoy something for a change without my mind trying to genocide everything halfway through...

Also, DooM is 20 years old today... I feel ancient, have some doom metal:

I just don't fucking know anymore.

I am starting to regret writing that shit really damn hard right now and I hope I haven't misplaced my trust in sharing this site with the people I have... but I guess that is the reason I even made this blog. Would like to clarify a lot of the stuff I wrote, but right now I just can't find the words. Just gonna say that there are moments of clarity in every day, with varying length. I'm managing.

I'm not suicidal.

Just thought I'd put that out there.

Time is our disease

A seed of hate from the day I was born
My right to vengeance from me has been torn
Hopeless and drugged, my black emotions seethe
Loveless and cold, my hate begins to breed

Black nebula, seething in my brain
Then your fucking world brings me down again
So I'll take my father's gun and I'll walk down to the street
I'll have my vengeance now with everyone I meet, yeah

A seed of hate from the day I was born
My right to vengeance from me has been torn
Hopeless and drugged, my black emotions seethe
Loveless and cold, my hate begins to breed, yeah

The Sun of Nothingness

 Now, I know most of you after reading my last post will think something along the lines of "oh there has to be something bothering you/ you should get out more and talk to people and just think positive ETC ETC". Thing I want to say to that is

1. Fuck you
2. That's what I have been trying to do for the past ~2 years

I can barely remember what it was like to be without the constant feeling of hopelessness, guilt and anxiety. It never even occured to me that maybe it isn't normal to feel like this. At first it made sense to feel that way, because reasons and such. But it slowly just became second nature to me. It started to define me as a person. I thought it's just the way I am.

There have of course been periods of a few months where I actually feel relatively normal, by my current standards. But without any apparent reason I am suddenly back to the same state of mind I have come to think of as me.

-----------------------------------------

5 hours later, I still haven't figured out how I feel about this. I have been seeing myself in a whole different light for the past few days. I have felt this way for so long that it has blended into everything I know and think. I'm trying hard to see my "true self". To be honest I have come to appreciate it a little, in an extremely morbid way. Or am I just trying to cope with it by telling myself I don't mind it? I just can't tell anymore.

I know I have changed a lot, and so say the people around me as well. People change, maybe it is just a natural progress. I used to be outgoing, cheerful, friendly. I would like to think I'm not a complete asshole now, but I have watched myself behave in a manner I wouldn't want to towards people I care about. I find myself being annoyed by shit that has absolutely no relevance to me. Things that I used to just not care about and things that I did care about, now I simply look through a veil of apathy.

Most interactions feel forced. I can't seem to enjoy almost anything I used to love. Nor can I find the energy in me to actually do something. I feel isolated and lonely, yet seeking out closeness seems impossible for me to do. I ignore people trying to socialize with me, making excuses, often just unable to pick up the phone to answer a call or reply to a message.  All this followed by an immense feeling of guilt and regret. Yet I will do it again next time. I have asked myself "why?" and I seem to be unable to find an answer.

I need to apologize to the people I have neglected, I hope I can find forgiveness, but I will NEVER use this "depression" as an excuse for my actions. I fucking hate this word... all my life when I heard talks about depression, I got annoyed. "Just get it together you whiny bitch". Ironic, I guess. But here I am at this very moment, and I feel lost.

We come to this place
Falling through time
Living a hollow life
Always we're taking
Waiting for signs
Hollow lives

Even though I barely listen to them anymore, Hollow Life by Korn has always kind of stuck to me, ever since I first got their Untouchables album as a kid. It always touched me for some reason. Usually I remember barely anything from more than a year or two in the past. I might remember a few incidents that make me regret my very existence, but to say how I felt or what I thought seems impossible to me. It makes me wonder if maybe I have been like this my entire life. Right now it does feel like it. I have always been one to hide my actual feelings and become a different person depending on my location and people around me. I have just behaved the way I think I should, not the way I would like to. I feel as if I have lost my actual self behind all the different characters I act, so to say.

Today I watched the first real snow fall, while having a smoke at work. I almost felt a smile somewhere inside me.

The water pours its embracing arms around the stone
Decay drips from the unquiet void where the ice forms, where life ends
The stone is by the crimson flood, swallowed
The red tide beyond the ebon wound, contorted
My sacrifice bids farewell in this river of memory... a wave to end all time
Red birds escape from my wounds and return as falling snow
To sweep the landscape; a wind haunted, wings without bodies
The snow, the bitter snowfall
You wish to die in her pale arms, crystalline, to become an ode to silence
In the soul of a mountain of birds, fallen
The cascading pallor of ghostless feather
The snow has fallen and raised this white mountain on which you will die
and fade away in silence.


It reminded me when I first found this track. It was completely different to anything I had thought I loved in music. It changed me. I fell in love. That track was on repeat for more than a week. Just one track. It never ended. It was a time when the snow had just started to fall. I remember I was happy. It made me love music like I had never before. Now years later I can't imagine my life without music. Music is one of the only things that makes me feel at peace with myself. I lose myself in it.

Drone music is a minimalist musical style that emphasizes the use of sustained, repeated sounds, notes, or tone-clusters called drones. Music that is based on drones can consist of pure drones, slowly changing drones, or drones augmented with more transient sounds. It is typically characterized by lengthy audio programs with slight harmonic variations throughout most pieces.
Another style of drone music has developed out of the heavy metal genre. Usually referred to as drone metal or drone doom, it is characterised by electric guitar and bass guitar played at very slow tempos, and by a focus on very low, and loud, bass tones. Many drone bands focus on the ability of their sound to create a feeling in the listener of trance or ecstasy, instead of on harmonic variation or intricate song structures. This drone music has strong relations to doom metal, and its style has also been integrated into the music of some electronic and post-rock artists.

I listen to very strange music. Most people would probably not even consider it music. I have realized why I like drone for example, which is pretty much just noise. It stops me from thinking. I reach a meditative state, where nothing around me matters. The son of nothingness. At that moment I am euphoric at peace with myself, I accept me.

I have more thoughts on this, but it takes time to translate the whirl of sounds, images and words into a language. So I will just post this without trying to improve or fix it. These are just my thoughts, unfiltered, enjoy.

Yours faithfully,
-Mihkel

MDD

For some reason I decided to google something and well apparently it is actually a thing that I have:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_depressive_disorder

A person having a major depressive episode usually exhibits a very low mood, which pervades all aspects of life, and an inability to experience pleasure in activities that were formerly enjoyed. Depressed people may be preoccupied with, or ruminate over, thoughts and feelings of worthlessness, inappropriate guilt or regret, helplessness, hopelessness, and self-hatred.

Other symptoms of depression include poor concentration and memory (especially in those with melancholic or psychotic features), withdrawal from social situations and activities, reduced sex drive, [and thoughts of death or suicide.]Insomnia is common among the depressed. [In the typical pattern, a person wakes very early and cannot get back to sleep. Insomnia affects at least 80% of depressed people.] Hypersomnia, or oversleeping, can also happen.

A depressed person may report multiple physical symptoms such as fatigue, headaches, or digestive problems

Appetite often decreases, with resulting weight loss, [although increased appetite and weight gain occasionally occur.]

 51% of those with major depression also suffer from lifetime anxiety. Anxiety symptoms can have a major impact on the course of a depressive illness.

The mention of suicide on multiple occassions in that article makes me a bit worried, but hey, look at all these cool people who have the same thing:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_with_major_depressive_disorder

Woody Allen, Christian Bale, Joe Budden, Jim Carrey, Louis C.K., Charles Dickens, Charlie Kaufman, Michelangelo, Isaac Newton, Friedrich Nietzsche, Tyler The Creator, Brad Pitt, Edgar Allan Poe, J.D. Salinger, Leo Tolstoi, Vincent Van Gogh.

Man am I lucky or what to be as cool as these guys.