"Äge lelutaja."

Jesus christ how horrifying.

Equinox

Just realized what a fucking mess this blog has become. I think I'm just overreacting and exaggerating with this bullshit, maybe I'm just bored.

F-F-F-F-F-Friday night motherfucker

Fridays always make me feel good, even though I haven't even been to work all week. Well not complaining, feeling nice.

Happy thoughts

Türa närvi ajab

ja ma ei ole inimene  kes närvi läheb lambist

Hail

I don't know what to think, to be honest. So I go out, have a good time, feeling like a normal person, but halfway in I just start feeling like absolute shit. I am enjoying my time, and the people around and yet I feel like shit. I don't fucking know anymore. What can I do? How do I make it stop. I can't enjoy anything I do anymore.

Jokingly I said I love myself so much I don't have any love left for others. I always felt like it's the other way around... I have nobody to give the love to, so the only option is to love myself... and I don't as much as I say I do... again... I don't know... I find it so hard to define my thoughts and feelings... am I just being a whiny emo bitch? I guess...

I often try to think what is normal, what should I feel and  think... but I know that everybody is different and there really isn't a certain way to feel... yet I feel lost, I feel different, I feel confused, I feel isolated... one second I can be right in the conversation and the next second I see myself being in a completely different plane of thought... what the fuck... god damn it... motherfucker... somebody fucking explain this shit to me please... I just want to enjoy something for a change without my mind trying to genocide everything halfway through...

Also, DooM is 20 years old today... I feel ancient, have some doom metal:

I just don't fucking know anymore.

I am starting to regret writing that shit really damn hard right now and I hope I haven't misplaced my trust in sharing this site with the people I have... but I guess that is the reason I even made this blog. Would like to clarify a lot of the stuff I wrote, but right now I just can't find the words. Just gonna say that there are moments of clarity in every day, with varying length. I'm managing.

I'm not suicidal.

Just thought I'd put that out there.

Time is our disease

A seed of hate from the day I was born
My right to vengeance from me has been torn
Hopeless and drugged, my black emotions seethe
Loveless and cold, my hate begins to breed

Black nebula, seething in my brain
Then your fucking world brings me down again
So I'll take my father's gun and I'll walk down to the street
I'll have my vengeance now with everyone I meet, yeah

A seed of hate from the day I was born
My right to vengeance from me has been torn
Hopeless and drugged, my black emotions seethe
Loveless and cold, my hate begins to breed, yeah

The Sun of Nothingness

 Now, I know most of you after reading my last post will think something along the lines of "oh there has to be something bothering you/ you should get out more and talk to people and just think positive ETC ETC". Thing I want to say to that is

1. Fuck you
2. That's what I have been trying to do for the past ~2 years

I can barely remember what it was like to be without the constant feeling of hopelessness, guilt and anxiety. It never even occured to me that maybe it isn't normal to feel like this. At first it made sense to feel that way, because reasons and such. But it slowly just became second nature to me. It started to define me as a person. I thought it's just the way I am.

There have of course been periods of a few months where I actually feel relatively normal, by my current standards. But without any apparent reason I am suddenly back to the same state of mind I have come to think of as me.

-----------------------------------------

5 hours later, I still haven't figured out how I feel about this. I have been seeing myself in a whole different light for the past few days. I have felt this way for so long that it has blended into everything I know and think. I'm trying hard to see my "true self". To be honest I have come to appreciate it a little, in an extremely morbid way. Or am I just trying to cope with it by telling myself I don't mind it? I just can't tell anymore.

I know I have changed a lot, and so say the people around me as well. People change, maybe it is just a natural progress. I used to be outgoing, cheerful, friendly. I would like to think I'm not a complete asshole now, but I have watched myself behave in a manner I wouldn't want to towards people I care about. I find myself being annoyed by shit that has absolutely no relevance to me. Things that I used to just not care about and things that I did care about, now I simply look through a veil of apathy.

Most interactions feel forced. I can't seem to enjoy almost anything I used to love. Nor can I find the energy in me to actually do something. I feel isolated and lonely, yet seeking out closeness seems impossible for me to do. I ignore people trying to socialize with me, making excuses, often just unable to pick up the phone to answer a call or reply to a message.  All this followed by an immense feeling of guilt and regret. Yet I will do it again next time. I have asked myself "why?" and I seem to be unable to find an answer.

I need to apologize to the people I have neglected, I hope I can find forgiveness, but I will NEVER use this "depression" as an excuse for my actions. I fucking hate this word... all my life when I heard talks about depression, I got annoyed. "Just get it together you whiny bitch". Ironic, I guess. But here I am at this very moment, and I feel lost.

We come to this place
Falling through time
Living a hollow life
Always we're taking
Waiting for signs
Hollow lives

Even though I barely listen to them anymore, Hollow Life by Korn has always kind of stuck to me, ever since I first got their Untouchables album as a kid. It always touched me for some reason. Usually I remember barely anything from more than a year or two in the past. I might remember a few incidents that make me regret my very existence, but to say how I felt or what I thought seems impossible to me. It makes me wonder if maybe I have been like this my entire life. Right now it does feel like it. I have always been one to hide my actual feelings and become a different person depending on my location and people around me. I have just behaved the way I think I should, not the way I would like to. I feel as if I have lost my actual self behind all the different characters I act, so to say.

Today I watched the first real snow fall, while having a smoke at work. I almost felt a smile somewhere inside me.

The water pours its embracing arms around the stone
Decay drips from the unquiet void where the ice forms, where life ends
The stone is by the crimson flood, swallowed
The red tide beyond the ebon wound, contorted
My sacrifice bids farewell in this river of memory... a wave to end all time
Red birds escape from my wounds and return as falling snow
To sweep the landscape; a wind haunted, wings without bodies
The snow, the bitter snowfall
You wish to die in her pale arms, crystalline, to become an ode to silence
In the soul of a mountain of birds, fallen
The cascading pallor of ghostless feather
The snow has fallen and raised this white mountain on which you will die
and fade away in silence.


It reminded me when I first found this track. It was completely different to anything I had thought I loved in music. It changed me. I fell in love. That track was on repeat for more than a week. Just one track. It never ended. It was a time when the snow had just started to fall. I remember I was happy. It made me love music like I had never before. Now years later I can't imagine my life without music. Music is one of the only things that makes me feel at peace with myself. I lose myself in it.

Drone music is a minimalist musical style that emphasizes the use of sustained, repeated sounds, notes, or tone-clusters called drones. Music that is based on drones can consist of pure drones, slowly changing drones, or drones augmented with more transient sounds. It is typically characterized by lengthy audio programs with slight harmonic variations throughout most pieces.
Another style of drone music has developed out of the heavy metal genre. Usually referred to as drone metal or drone doom, it is characterised by electric guitar and bass guitar played at very slow tempos, and by a focus on very low, and loud, bass tones. Many drone bands focus on the ability of their sound to create a feeling in the listener of trance or ecstasy, instead of on harmonic variation or intricate song structures. This drone music has strong relations to doom metal, and its style has also been integrated into the music of some electronic and post-rock artists.

I listen to very strange music. Most people would probably not even consider it music. I have realized why I like drone for example, which is pretty much just noise. It stops me from thinking. I reach a meditative state, where nothing around me matters. The son of nothingness. At that moment I am euphoric at peace with myself, I accept me.

I have more thoughts on this, but it takes time to translate the whirl of sounds, images and words into a language. So I will just post this without trying to improve or fix it. These are just my thoughts, unfiltered, enjoy.

Yours faithfully,
-Mihkel

MDD

For some reason I decided to google something and well apparently it is actually a thing that I have:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_depressive_disorder

A person having a major depressive episode usually exhibits a very low mood, which pervades all aspects of life, and an inability to experience pleasure in activities that were formerly enjoyed. Depressed people may be preoccupied with, or ruminate over, thoughts and feelings of worthlessness, inappropriate guilt or regret, helplessness, hopelessness, and self-hatred.

Other symptoms of depression include poor concentration and memory (especially in those with melancholic or psychotic features), withdrawal from social situations and activities, reduced sex drive, [and thoughts of death or suicide.]Insomnia is common among the depressed. [In the typical pattern, a person wakes very early and cannot get back to sleep. Insomnia affects at least 80% of depressed people.] Hypersomnia, or oversleeping, can also happen.

A depressed person may report multiple physical symptoms such as fatigue, headaches, or digestive problems

Appetite often decreases, with resulting weight loss, [although increased appetite and weight gain occasionally occur.]

 51% of those with major depression also suffer from lifetime anxiety. Anxiety symptoms can have a major impact on the course of a depressive illness.

The mention of suicide on multiple occassions in that article makes me a bit worried, but hey, look at all these cool people who have the same thing:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_with_major_depressive_disorder

Woody Allen, Christian Bale, Joe Budden, Jim Carrey, Louis C.K., Charles Dickens, Charlie Kaufman, Michelangelo, Isaac Newton, Friedrich Nietzsche, Tyler The Creator, Brad Pitt, Edgar Allan Poe, J.D. Salinger, Leo Tolstoi, Vincent Van Gogh.

Man am I lucky or what to be as cool as these guys.

Foreshadows.

So today I woke up with an immense feeling of guilt, shame and regret. Why did I have to drink that much and say all these stupid things... wait... I didn't... all a dream... fuck you brain.

So yeah, my brain decided that the only dream i have within 2 months has to be of post-drunk-shame-hangover. Not even the drinking part, only shame.

Well the feeling of relief was pretty damn good when I finally realized what the fuck is going on. I think I should take some mental notes from this... because the feeling is one of the worst for me, and next time it most likely wil not be a dream.

SELF CONTROL

All is dust.

"To talk of destiny and fate is foolish. Time, causality, the observer and the observed; we must treat our assumptions on all these matters with suspicion. We think of the past causing the future, but must that be so? Is fate created by trying to see it? What if we had not looked? Would matters have unfolded otherwise?" -A.A.

Small steps corrupt.

I move along a rubble strewn road 
Shells of burnt out enclosures spell a cracked code:  
Open to the air at last to breathe  
And fill as a cup of with rain  
Then flow to release holes of relief

The citadel is finally in shards 
It's gliterring shrapnel spread afar  
Piercing the masses weeping fom teargazes  
With a cold clean break an icy shatter it passes

I hope that I can find shelter before 
 Fever ferries me to the far shore  
I hope that I can find shelter before 
I realize I can't recognize me anymore

Those who are seeking searching shrieking 
For clean air to tear off those rooftops
A fiery secret for the dissatisfied  
The malcontent and the Wise  
Undisclosed to the overexposed is that nobody knows 
Expose the throat to electric liquors 
Caloric elixirs that build up the light  
Till the brain fills up hemorrhages and flickers

I hope that I can find shelter before 
Fever ferries me to the far shore  
I hope that I can find shelter before 
I realize I can't recognize me anymore

I hope that we can find shelter before 
Fever ferries us to the far shore 
I hope that we can find shelter before  
We realize we can't recognize ourselves anymore

When the stars begin to tumble downward  
And the Earth is consumed by dust and war  
I will go and I will not look backward
For there will be nothing to look for

I will not be waiting for a sign 
I will drive into the setting sun  
I may run dry or break down for the last time  
But I won't stop till I reach the ocean

Cast off your cloak of failure

Eden in the aftermath  
Eden in the aftermath

I will not be waiting for a sign 
I will drive into the setting sun 
I may run dry or break down for the last time  
But I won't stop till I reach the ocean

 Lately I have been trying to find the cause for my apathetic nature. First thing that comes to mind is the aforementioned hate towards most people. My realization though is the fact that I actually really like people. I love them. And that actually is the cause for apathy, since it is the easiest solution against disappointment. I feel as in everything my entire life that I have even slightly attached myself to emotionally has caused disappointment. Small steps over a long period of time have further led towards resentment

 Thankfully I am not a full-blown misanthrope just yet. Some people in my life still make me cautiously optimistic about future prospects. Trying not to make up things that do not exist, keeping my expectations relatively low, yet a flicker of hope remains to be seen behind the gray veil on apathy. I find it rather humorous that I am actually an extremely optimistic person by nature, always have been. I do believe that things find a way to settle and forcing change out of worry generally does not improve anything.

 Then again, maybe I am personally too stuck in my comfort zone of lazy. Just hoping that things work out somehow without me needing to interfere. Hard to say, to be honest. Most likely both stand somewhat true. The hardest is to find a balance between involvement and letting things settle. Trying to force things to where you want them to be can lead to many issues.

I will not be waiting for a sign 
I will drive into the setting sun 
I may run dry or break down for the last time  
But I won't stop till I reach the ocean

 Recently "quitting" my favourite past-time of nearly 2 years which has been Dota 2 has made me realize how I tend to not see the big picture with phenomenons that I have tied myself to emotionally. The fact is that I did not enjoy it for quite a while now, but my mind was still stuck in times long gone, times of enjoyment and fun.

 All good things must come to an end. It made me realize how I have behaved with multiple things over my short life. People who I have pushed away from myself because I am stuck in the past, not comprehending that things have indeed changed. I have pushed myself to near-obsession with the illusions my mind has created, trying to brute force things back to where I was happy. Sadly this type of fanaticism leads to nothing but disappointment, when I finally take that long needed step backwards and look at the situation from an objective standpoint.

When the stars begin to tumble downward  
And the Earth is consumed by dust and war  
I will go and I will not look backward
For there will be nothing to look for








 Disappointment is yet another small step towards the so-to-say corruption of apathy. The human mind (at least mine) tends to not like disappointment, so I have just constantly lowered my expectations from life. Occasionally thinking that maybe this world actually is just an intellectual wasteland where the empty husks of bandits roam, picking off and feasting on the rare bright lights. A wasteland where everybody is only after the immediate personal satisfaction, not a single care for the world and people around us.

 I often find myself in the middle of conflict as a neutral observer, and it really makes me wonder why I myself am rarely the one actually in the conflict. Is it my apathetic nature? Am I just friendly? I really do not know anything but the fact that most of these conflicts seem utterly and entirely pointless to me. Agitation over minor details that could have been easily overlooked, yet people dig into these like a dog to it's own vomit.

 Few want to admit that they have been wrong. I just wish for somebody to notice that these kind of pointless arguments lead to nothing. Ever. Wouldn't it be better to channel the energy put into finding flaws in your opponent towards finding a solution to the issue in unison? I doubt I will ever understand why people behave in this seemingly obtuse manner.

 AS I WAS SAYING. I intend to truly keep an eye on yet another obsession that is surely to enter my life. It will be hard to notice the small descent towards it, but I do think that I have learned at least a bit from my previous mistakes and I will do my hardest to make the future ones easier to bear or not exist. It is too easy to  fall back on the safety net of apathy and distancing yourself from things that you actually desir.

 Actually, most of all I need to fix my fear of initiation. My latest big mistakes have really made me scared of actually trying anything. I stay waiting and hoping for things to settle the way I want them. Not realizing it is like waiting for your room to clean itself. It might happen, but it is most likely better to just put in the effort and actually get the results instead of hoping and ending up disappointed. Not the best analogy since I can't see myself failing to clean my room and ending up disappointed. In life that sadly does happen and usually because of reasons largely unrelated to me, since forcing other people to feel the same way as you does not generally work. Speaking from personal experience. Yet I need to realize that it is better to live and be disappointed than sit in waiting and wither away, resenting all that you think in unobtainable. Giving your best will not leave room for disappointment.

Fear of disappointment should never overcome your actual desires.

"Always a teacher, always a student"  - A.A.

Yours truly,
-M 

If you see something, say something.

Ei viitsi midagi rääkida, et aga te ei arvaks et olen hukkunud siis annan muusikat.

Omen.

Nägin täna unes, et jalgrattal läks kumm katki ja et sain mupolt trahvi. Tegelikult aga kaotasin hamba nüüd.

Misantroop.

Meeldiv on juba päeva alguses leida album, mida minut kuulates on teada, et see saab lemmikute hulka.

Olen täiesti tavaline inimene.

Katkised rütmid.

She painted fire across the skyline of my mind.

Through vast valleys I wonder
To the highest peaks
On pathways through a wild forgotten landscape
In search of God, in spite of man
'til the lost forsaken endless. . .
This is where I choose to tread

Täna olin ilma otsese põhjuseta rõõmus. Tihti seda ei juhtu, tavaliselt ikka vaatan end ümbritsevat ilu kurva, mõtliku ja melanhoolsena. Seda aga mitte halvas mõttes, ma naudin seda. I find beauty in the sadness of our world, so to say. Kurb ei ole tegelikult üldse õige sõna selle jaoks... ei tea, ma ei oska selgitada... meeleolu nagu ambient muusika, pole mingeid tugevaid emotsioone. Olen, jälgin, mõtlen, naudin. Võimalik, et ma olen lihtsalt masendav inimene aga ise ma seda ei arva. A slow man in a fast world. Vahel tõesti tundub, et kõigil on kuhugi kiire. Minnakse närvi asjade peale mis neid praktiliselt ei puudutagi, solvutakse, pettutakse, tülitsetakse... tunnen nagu vaataks näidendit.


I walked down to a river and sat in reflection of what had to be done
An offering of crimson flowed into the water below
A wound of spirit from which it floated and faded away

Tunnen, et tahaks minna kuskile, vaadata, jälgida. Jalutada päikesetõusust järgmiseni.

. . .like every hope I've ever had. . .
. . .like every dream I've ever known. . .
It washed away in a tide of longing, a longing for a better world
From my will, my throat, to the river, and into the sea. . .
. . .wash away. . .
. . .fade away. . .

Liiguks rahulikult jahedas õhus, vaadates lillakat taevast ja päikest mis jälgib mind horisondilt. Ma tahan jalutada nii et ma ei jõua kuhugi. Mitte kuhugi. Väsimatult. Tunda kõrvetavat suitsu oma kurgus ja kuulda rahulikke meloodiaid mis tulevad kui igalt poolt mu ümbert. 


Here is the landscape
Here is the sun
Here at the edge of the earth
Where is the god?
Has he fallen to ruin?

Tahaks istuda lõputult uduses hommikus, suitsetades lõputut suitsu. Maailm on maagiline kui ta seisab. Mõni üksik hing veel koperdab ringi, mõni alustab päeva tunde enne teisi. Mõni elabki seisvas maailmas. Huvitav, et ma natuke igatsen aega kui ma midagi ei teinud. See oli kohutav, kuid need mõned hetked kui tundsin end kõigest ümbritsevast eraldatuna, kuid samas tajusin kõike... need olid midagi maagilist. Enamasti olidki need kui ma järjekordselt mitte öösel magades suitsu käisin tegemas ühika ees. Kell 4-6 hommikul näeb mitte milleski väga paljut. Udu, kauge tänavavalgustus, esimesed tühjad trollid, eelmise õhtu surmväsinud pidulised... maagiline... Mul on siiralt kahju inimestest kes ei ole midagi sellist kunagi kogenud.

Oh dismal mourning...
I open my weary eyes once again
My life has been left hollow and ashes have filled the gorge of my within
Last night I hoped and wished I'd die in my sleep but no catharsis was granted to
Me
Will this pain ever pass?
The enchanting perfume of winter and the bleak, cold breath of her still haunts
Me... 

Ma olen väga tänulik, et see aeg on möödas. Tunnen, et jõuan kuhugile oma elus kuigi mu ees olev rada on labürint udus. Tunnen, et suudan ehk isegi mõnda inimest enda läheduses hoida. Tunnen, et olen kodus. Tunnen, et olen siiski üksi... aga kas meil kellelgi on üldse võimalik end mitte natukenegi üksi tunda? I'd rather be alone than be with somebody that makes me want to be alone.

Here I sit at the fire
Liquor's bitter flames warm my languid soul
Here I drink alone and remember
A graven life, the stain of her memory
In this cup, love's poison
For love is the poison of life
Tip the cup, feed the fire,
And forget about useless hope. . .

Lost in the desolation of love
The passions we reap and sow
Lost in the desolation of life
This path that we walk. . .

Here's to love, the sickness
The great martyr of the soul
Here's to life, the vice
The great herald of misery
In this cup, spiritus frumenti
For this is the nectar of the spirit
Quench the thirst, drown the sorrow
And forget about cold yesterdays. . .

Lost in the desolation of love
The passions we reap and sow
Lost in the desolation of life
This path that we walk. . .
Lost in the desolation of love
The sorrows we reap and sow
Lost in the desolation of life
The path that we walk...

I'm glad I like myself.

Yours eternally,
-M

Lyrics by Agalloch.

Lifesmoker

Alustan täna kohe muusikaga. Mulle pakub nalja et pool mu muusikast on täägidega stoner, psychadelic vms. Aga ise pole aastaid pruukinud enam midagi sellist.

Aight, back to business at hand. Ehk vast kõige suurem muutus mis vahepeal toimunud on korterikaaslase vahetus. Vaikne neiu kadus ja big burly loud bro tuli asemele. Not complaining actually. Actually feels like home around here currently.

Ah yeah, sõjaväest anti pikendust jälle, kuigi ma oma südant ja selga uurida ei lasknud kuigi nii kästi teha. Järgmine kord ka samamoodi lähen siis ilmselt kindel minek ka, nii et peaks minema üle vaatama. Äkki ongi midagi viga! Suren maha ka veel siin. Can't have that, what will the world do without The Hammer.

Täna oli veider päev. Hommik algas kohutavas meeleolus.

Today I stopped and stared,
I realised I just don't care,
A chasm black and wide,
Between me and mankind.

I've walked this earth 1000 years,
Seen the pain and the tears,
An outcast all alone,
Take me back beyond the sun....

YEAH YEAH CALM DOWN ma tean et olen seda sada korda postitanud... oh wait fuck you, my place my rules.

Any fucking way. Valisin lõuna paiku õige inimese keda huiata oma muredega. Märkamatagi tuju paranes juba. Vägagi meeldiv. Ja isegi kutsuti jalutama... havent had that for toooooo long. So thank you!

Aga jah üldiselt. Oma masetsemistest üle saanud õnneks. Eks vahel ikka viskab üle mõni asi, aga sellest ma ei tahagi lahti saada. I will never accept this world as it is. Töö ka juba rutiinseks saanud ja. Ei ole nagu väga vigagi elul. Oh.... wait... ülemus rääkis ju et tal plaan vb kogu see pask siit kuskile Taeblasse viia.... so ma peaks töötama 85km Tallinnast. Tundub et peaks hakkama uut töökohta igaks juhuks vaatama. Ei tahaks küll väga siit ära minna enam. Starting to like this Little-Russia. Naljakas, mitte ammu ma mäletan et ma vihkasin seda kohta.

You know, ma ütlen tihti et ma vihkan inimesi. See ei ole tegelikult tõsi. Ma vihkan lihtsalt väga paljusi inimesi, enamust isegi. Aga see tähendab minu jaoks ka seda, et need vähesed keda ma ei vihka on minu jaoks ülimalt olulised. Ja kui Sina seda loed, siis tea et oled ka nende hulgas. I'll give you a minute to feel warm and fuzzy inside now.... take all the time you need, I know it feels amazing.

I am determined. Ma tahan kaotada oma konstantse sarkasmi ja reaalsete tunnete ning arvamuste varjamise. Ma leian, et ma saaks oma olulistega palju paremini nii läbi. Nii, et kui märkate mind järjekordselt seda tegemast siis olge kenad ja mainige mulle seda. Parim meeldetuletaja saab 2 õlut.

Ma arvan, et lõpetan tänaseks. Käin veel homme ka tööl ning siis naudin seda paari vabat päeva. Ma arvan et ma homme olen rõõmus, nii vahelduseks. Ja ära mõtlegi mind selle jalutuskäiguga üle lasta! There will be unforeseen consequences. You have been warned.

See you on my funeral, or earlier.
-Mick "Depressive Anti-Social Skeleton" Hammer

Inevitability.

Kõik kes te must nooremad olete, teile teadmiseks. Palun mängida seda lugu minu matustel. Aitäh.

It takes two.

Sammun 3-6-5 astet mööda me elementide treppe
lõputul rännakul nagu buddha suuga kulutades tekste
see kultuur on mu tempel ta seinad ajalooga kaetud
sümbol igas uulitsas kividesse esseedena maetud

Õhus hõljub võililli, sest muud siinkandis ju ei kasva
vaataks nagu mängufilmi- hingeldades justkui astma
ma kuulen lugusi täpsemalt neid puuteid silmas
ja kui keeran oma pead, oleks justkui jäänud hiljaks

ma palun pausi, et kuulda neid seinu siin rääkimas
mõtete kaudu, et te kuuleks seda mida väärtustan
mis on tähtis see on idee- see on see miks sean sõnu
märkide keel, süsteem nii et heaolust

tekib lainetus klaasis keereldes nagu maapeal on
tagurpidi virrvarr kes seal peapeal on
eirab füüsikat saateks vana vinüüliga
nii, et tossud asendunud nasa kosmosekostüümiga

kõik, kes austavad mis räägime - mööda linnu - rajoone
teadke et respekt see tunne on alati kahepoolne
voolab soontes üks veri- samad biidid ning mõtted
ühendatud sõnadega ja need mõtted ei lõppe


uputavad arheloogid orkaane kaevavad
nagu sääsed te kuklas nad plaate nõelavad

vuuvri põhjast madalast, aastad kuud ja faking tunnid
viis mis teevad need käed kaasa tantsima sunnib

megahertsi hertsogid te kehasid mõjutamas
räpi seltsi proffessorid neid noote rõhutamas

see on igale boombäppi fiilivale vanakooli fännile
kes kaifib kui neid saunde me analoogis mängime
meie jalasamm on raske- liigub visalt ülesmäge
iga lause nagu vein mis kohe hakkab nüüd pähe
meistrid tseremoonias, kes orkestreid kiigutavad
nad ei liigu massiga vaid ise masse liigutavad
need on mõtted tähtedelt, mis meist läbi on tulemas
need on võtmed märkides- täpselt nagu räpi judinad
tunded toored
munakoores nii see põlvkond tuleb
püsti pea! ja võngub kaasa kui ma rütmis vilistan
nooguta ja silmad sule- põhjamaade- tommyboy
ühendatud inimesed muusikale respekti tulistan

kõik, kes austavad mis räägime - mööda linnu - rajoone
teadke et respekt see tunne on alati kahepoolne
voolab soontes üks veri- samad biidid ning mõtted
ühendatud sõnadega ja need mõtted ei lõppe

nende ridadevahel olen mina ja mu elu
ja see on sõnade ahel - otse minu hingest ja otse minust
sellest mida astun, elan, hingan ja mida vajan
see on see toores tunne mida on raske kirjeldada

tähed mille pühivad- katavad kinni uued kihid
nende ridade vahel ja kõik muu tundub tühi
neid lööke ma armastan- neile süda lööb kaasa
rahutrummid- kas tunned- on meid haaranud kaasa

kõik kellega me mõtted taeva ääres kohtusid
teadke et see on wiskass mida keldri kasiid ostaksid

ja pole peamine et rahas maksaksid
palverännak : astu kaasa - kui vaid jaksad G
pole tähtis tee pikkus , vaid mis ootab selle lõpus

meid kannab jõud me sees, mis ülemaailmselt võrsub
otsekui puhas õhk ainus mida tean ja oskan tahta

ma poleks iial arvanud, et pean midagi nii tähtsaks

Sometimes I wish I was extremely stupid.

Viskan sendi õhku ja samal ajal kui ta õhus
näljas surid inimesed, sest neil olid tühjad kõhud
kuskil pandi pomm, jäi keegi ilma oma lapsest
keegi varastas toitu, mõni tegi enesetapukatse
keegi lavastati süüdi, keegi peksti surnuks
kedagi ei mõistetud, keegi tembeldati hulluks
keegi nakatus AIDSi, keegi sai haavata
kellegi kättemaks lõppes ju surmaga
keegi pettis kedagi, keegi pole enam koos
keegi mattis kellegi armukadedushoos
kuskil keegi leinab kedagi ja tunneb südamevalu
keegi tunneb end sitana, et eluredelil ta vajub
kellegi laps nutab, et ta isa on tööl
keegi plaanib pettust, keegi prügikastist sööb
keegi solvab kedagi, keegi tunneb alandust
keegi lõhub kellegi hinge, mis otsib parandust


Keegi otsib edu, kellegil seisab see ju kõrval
keegi sai ja keegi kaotas raha tõttu oma sõbra
keegi peab tegema seda mis teda ei huvita
keegi loodust ja loomi südametult mürgitab
keegi valetab kellegile et kuuluda kellegi sekka
keegi tapab meid kõiki lõikudes vihmametsa
keegi peab end kaitsma, keegi kaklust alustab
keegi on õel ja keegi kedagi ära kasutab
keegi kerjab sente, keegi miljoneid kulutab
keegi kellegi unelmad ühe hetkega purustab
keegi nutab, keegi kardab, keegi avaldab meelt
keegi tunneb end üksikune kõigi meie keskel
keegi varastab vabaduse, kellelegi kingiti trellid
keegi mõtleb selle üle ja püüab kinni sendi.

Shoegaze.

Hipster olen vist.

My name is Mick Hammer, maybe you have heard of me.

Last night was fun.

Feel the Rush

Close your facebook. Close your twitter. Put away your phone. Turn your volume up. Close your eyes. Listen. Feel the energy in yourself. Feel your problems disappear. Forget the person that treats you bad. Forget your lonely nights. Forget your depressing conciousness. Forget who you are for a mere moment. Feel your energy rushing through your mind and body. Enjoy the moment when you are the music and nothing else in this world matters.

Best music in the fucking world.

Mick Hammer

All the simple things.

I lie awake
I've gone to ground
I'm watching porn
In my hotel dressing gown
Now I dream of you
But I still believe
There's only enough for one in this
Lonely hotel suite

The journey's long
And it feels so bad
I'm thinking back to the last day we had.
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I'll be back with you
I'm nearly with you
I'm nearly with you

When I'm weak I draw strength from you
And when you're lost I know how to change your mood
And when I'm down you breathe life over me
Even though we're miles apart we are each other's destiny

On a clear day
I'll fly home to you
I'm bending time getting back to you
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I'll be back with you
I'm nearly with you
I'm nearly with you

When I'm weak I draw strength from you
And when you're lost I know how to change your mood
And when I'm down you breathe life over me
Even though we're miles apart we are each other's destiny

When I'm weak I draw strength from you
And when you're lost I know how to change your mood
And when I'm down you breathe life over me
Even though we're miles apart we are each other's destiny

I'll fly, I'll fly home
I'll fly home and I'll fly home

Celestial.

Peaks panema siia midagi eelmisele rõõmu täis teosele vastukaalu.

Hetkel tuju kõllaltki kõrgel. Kaugelt saksamaalt tulnud külaline lahkus just pärast nädalast külastust. Päris tore oli. Ei toonud küll võitu turniiril aga kogemusega on kõik rahul.

It's never gonna be
Normal, you and me
What you're signing on for
Is a storm at sea

Ei tea ei oska millestki kirjutada isegi siia. Tahtsin lihtsalt et see eelmine ei jääks kohe silma kõigile siin. Olen rahul.


Take a chance on me, yeah
You're my remedy, yeah

You may fall indeed, yeah
You'll find peace with me, yeah

-Good luck, have fun.

-Mick

Dark Souls.

Oh my god
Please help me, knee deep in the river tryin' to get clean
He says wash your hands, get out the stains
But you best believe, boy, there's hell to pay
Yeah you best believe, boy, there's hell to pay, sayin'
Come on

Oh my god
Please help me, waist deep in the river, can you hear my plea?
He says, son, you come like a beggar in the streets
You might make it, boy, but by the skin of your teeth
You might make it, boy, but by the skin of your teeth, sayin'

I rambled with the worst of them
Fell in love with a harlequin
Saw the darkest hearts of men
And I saw myself starin' back again
And I saw myself starin' back again

Oh my god
Please help me, neck deep in the river screamin' for relief
He says, it's mine to give, but it's yours to choose
You're gonna sink or swim, you're gonna learn the truth
No matter what you do you're gonna learn the truth sayin'

Ate the bread that once was stone
Fell from a cliff, never broke a bone
Bowed down to get the kings overthrown
And I'm all alone and the fire grows
And I'm all alone and the fire grows

I am a vision of nothing, born to a world that hates me.

  Pask tuju on. Kõik läheb hästi, aga tuju on siiski MMM ja isegi hullem. Ei tea, ei oska ausalt öelda mis seda põhjustab. Olen rahul eluga aga siiski miski jääb puudu.

Here is my life
Take my everything, paint me black across the air
Nothing in this fear of fears
Constant Nihility 

  Inimesed ajavad närvi, aga samas tahaks, et oleks keegi juures. Ei tea, ei mõista ennast jälle, passin siin segaduses.

In actual news.
Esiteks, kohevarsti dota võistlused. Kas lõpuks teen midagi selle ülimõistlikult kulutatud 1410 tunniga... jah seda on palju... aga palju mõistlikum ju kui õppida, tööd otsida või isegi korraks alustatud muusika tegemise hobi õppida. Palju mõistlikum!

Natuke hiljem lähen ütlen jälle tere kaitseväe värbajate värdjatega. Enne oli suhtumine, et kui tahavad mind, siis lähen. Nüüd ma ilmselt teen kerge killing spree kui üritavad võtta mind. Fuck this, just keeran selle uue lehekülje elus ja siis viskan kõik nahhui ja lähen istun metsas ja kujutan ette, et olen sõjas? No thank you, ma tegin need mängud 10 aastaselt naabripoisiga ära juba oma puust meisterdatud püssidega.

Töö ja elukohaga olen siiani rahul. Ei kurda. Palk on uskumatu arvestades tööd mida ma teen. Luksus ei ole, aga elan ära. Kolme kuu pärast läheb number suuremaks ka.

Järgmine kuu leian aega ja veedan aega ühe natukene unustatud inimese ja ühe päris palju unustatud inimesega. Naljakal kombel mõlemad Viljandis. Rääkides Viljandist.... pole ligi kaks kuud käinud seal, emaga pole kuu aega rääkinud... ausalt-öeldes on hea tunne... see pidev suhtumine minusse kui 12 aastasesse hakkas ikka tõsiselt närvidele käima.

Need another beer.

Fuck man, miks ma tunnen ennast pidevalt täiesti erineva inimesena teistest... Kõik siin maailmas tundub nii ebaloogiline. Ja kui ma isegi leian midagi mis tundub, et võiks rõõmu pakkuda suudab alati mulle pettumust valmistada. Ei mäleta viimast korda, kui miski läks nagu lootsin.

Besides life I have nothing left to give
Lies brought you here, welcome to yourself
You are afraid your lies will never come true
Will never surface for themselves

Ei tea, ehk läheb see vana hea melanhoolia üle mingi hetk sama lambist kui ta tuli. Loota vast võib... oh wait... loodan, et ei lähe üle.

Peace out
-Best person in the world

PS. soundtrack eelmises postis... tund aega max volume peal käinud... keegi teist ei taha seda 1 minutki kuulata...

Besides life I have nothing left to give.

I cannot start my faith


I am a rich mans wish to die in shameless comfort
I cannot start my faith

Excess, I live in excess (live in excess)

Hoping for answers I've done nothing to deserve
Nothing to deserve
I am a vision of nothing
I am a vision of nothing
Born to a world that hates me

Besides life I have nothing left to give
Lies brought you here, welcome to yourself
You are afraid your lies will never come true
Will never surface for themselves
Will never surface for themselves

Lord where is your face
I'm holding onto a cross
I'm holding onto fear

Devout Divine

Sincerest Celestial

Here are my arms
Here's my legs
Heres my tongue
Heres my eyes
Here's my heart
Heres my will

My trust
My love
My hope
My trust
My love
My hope
My trust
My love
My hope

Here is my life
Take my everything, paint me black across the air
Nothing in this fear of fears
Constant Nihility

M.M.M.

Meenutab vanu aegu.

He lives forever, he lives alone.

He creeps along
In shadows on the hill
I think I can see him
When I'm not feeling well
I wander forward
Toward magic I can't find
I see him coming
With answers on his mind

Old wizard
Walk tonight
Hear my voice
And make me right
Old wizard
Speak to me
Take my hand
And let me see

Out in the distance
Somewhere lies his home
He lives forever
He lives alone

Old wizard
Walk tonight
Hear my voice
And make me right
Old wizard
Speak to me
Take my hand
And let me see

I see demons, that's all I see

Everybody in this room
Everybody better listen
Because I am the one
I make the difference
It's me you've gotta listen to

Because I see demons
It's all I see
I see demons
That's all I see
I see demons
It's all I see
This world of evil
That's all I see

If you can't have ghosts
Then you've only got the devil
And I told you before
I walk through fucking fire
Every day
You can smell it on my skin
Cause it burns me hard

I see demons
It's all I see
God damn demons
That's all I see
I see demons
It's all I see
This world so evil
That's all I see

Amen

A delicate sense of balance.

  Aight, mis siis vahepeal kõik toimunud on. Võib täiesti öelda, et uut elu alustanud. Kaks aastat vihkasin Tallinnas olemist, nüüd võib öelda, et mul on siin täitsa oma elamine ja töökoht. Meeldib.

  Tööl käimine on teinud olemise väga heaks. Meeldib tunda, et ma ei sõltu enam kellegist. Hetkel see veel täiesti tõsi ei ole, kuid küllaltki varsti saab see nii olema. Oleks arvanud, et tavalise 12 tunnise magamise ja peale lõunat ärkamise kadumine teeb tunde kehvaks, kuid täiesti vastupidi. Mõjuv põhjus oma laisk perse voodist üles ajada kella seitsmest pärast 6 tunnist und teeb tuju vägagi heaks. Korralikult sööma hakanud ning palju vähem lihtsalt niisama õlle joonud. Tunnen, et olen lõpuks mingi suuna leidnud omale. Kooliga sai tehtud praeguseks täielik lõpp. Olen rahul oma otsusega, lihtne see ei olnud.

  Elukoht on hea. Harjunud elama nii, et jala voodist maha pannes saan juba arvuti tööle panna. Nüüd on asi vähe inimlikum, reaalselt ruumi olla. Üle pika aja näiteks sõin õhtusööki laua taga, mitte arvutilaua taga. Lisaks veel 9 korruse vaade ja natuke rõduruumi. Töökoht ka kõigest 20 minti astuda. Kuidagi ei saa kurta.

Ega muud ei oskagi väga kirjutada. Kolm nädalat elatud uut elu. Eks näis kuidas praeguse korterikaaslasega hakkama saame (nõusid koguneb juba muidu, ole valmis). Täitsa varsti tuleb üks jorss ka eestisse tagasi lõpuks, see saab kindlasti huvitav olema.

Signing out for now, see you on the flipside.
-Mick

Kass põgenes kodust ära, nii kurb on nüüd.

I Didn't Mean to Interrupt Your Beautiful Moment.

Can I lay my head on Your girlfriend?
Nothing will happen, nothing'll come of it

I just feel out of it... and drunk,
and I just need someone to eye on.

Let me show You some things,
You might not have seen.

I know when we keep this... in the way

I'll follow You both through the dark night,
so nothing will happen, nothing at all

Now You say You want it both ways,
but I do care, I do mind.
You say You want all the good things,
but none of the pain, none of the time.
Dance in the circle with our friends
and break all ties, break my mind.
Everybody's got their own things
and You got Yours, and You got mine.

Now you say you want it both ways,
but I do care, I do mind.
you say you want all the good things,
but none of the pain, none of the time.
Dance in the circle of our friends
and break all ties, break my mind.
Everybody's got their own things
now you got yours... and you got mine.

Cosy Moments

Nothing will come of it, nothing at all.

Kinski – Long Term Exit Strategy

Fatigue.

Jõudsin just töölt koju, kell on 12. Ulmelt väsinud. Tuju sama kõrgel kui väsimus. Hea on olla.

Know Thyself.

Ma ei viitsi enam unhappy olla. Joon siin oma teed ja varsti lähen õhtusesse vahetusse tööle. Ma ei jõua enam olla häiritud nendest asjadest, aga see kahjuks tähendab ka mõnest nii mitte väga hoolimist. Ma ei jõua enam lihtsalt. Tundub, et alati ma tähtsustan inimesi liialt. Aeg ennast prioriteediks seada.

As you wish.

Well i don't fucking care anymore.

Muutuv.

Tahaks mõned asjad ära kustutada siit, aga las nad olla.

Hetkel on tuju hea.

Beauty over death.

Hommik on palju parem.

Son of Nothingness.

Olen oma uues korteris, suitsetasin rõdul ja vaatasin öist tallinnat kõrgelt üheksandalt korruselt.

Ei tunne ennast hästi.

Mõtlen inimeste peale kes on minu elus olnud.

Homme lähen tööle.

Elan üksi.

Tunnen tugevat ärevust, mis on minu jaoks saanud igapäevaseks nähtuseks paari aasta jooksul.

Kahtlen, kas ma üldse tahan rõõmus olla.

Tunnen end üksi ka teistega olles.

Hoolin mõnest inimesest.

Olen teel, mis viib mind teistest eemale.

Kahtlen kas olen õige tee valinud.

Meenutan, et 17 aastat oma elust pidasin ma ennast ülimalt optimistlikuks inimeseks.

Kohe on mu sünnipäev.

Lähen üritan magada.

Head ööd,
-...

Another perfect day?

Today I stopped and stared,
I realised I just don't care,
A chasm black and wide,
Between me and mankind.

I've walked this earth 1000 years,
Seen the pain and the tears,
An outcast all alone,
Take me back beyond the sun....

Pidupäev.

Tähistan jaanipäeva maa kaevamise, kivide tassimise ja põranda lammutamisega. Ülimalt hea tuju on. Ausalt.

She painted fire across the skyline.

Läksin youtube-i, et lihtsalt oma ööde lemmik artisti postitada whoknowswhybecausenobodylikesdronebutmeitseems ja sattusin juhuslikult selle video otsa. Praeguses hetkes oli see vist kõige ilusam asi mida ma vaadata oleks saanud. Kui keegi teab kedagi, kes samamoodi arvab siis andke teada, sest seda inimest ma armastan.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gI4a3vJy3xM

Mõtted.

Käisin täna gümnaasiumi lõpuaktust vaatamas. Eks pani natuke mõtlema. Eriti jäi meelde hetk kus loeti ette lõpetajate vastusi küsimusele "Kus sa näed ennast 10 aasta pärast?". Ootasin teistsuguseid vastuseid, kui aus olla. Küll taheti ilusalonge avada ja meigikunstnik olla. Kõrgkoolide lõpetamine ja töökohad. Ise sama peale mõeldes tekkisid küll pigem mõtted selle kohta milline inimene ma olla tahan, mitte mida ma saavutanud olen. Ei teagi mida arvata sellest, aga ma arvan, et gümnaasiumi lõpetades ma oleksin sama öelnud.

Enda lõpetamine tundub väga väga ammune minevik. Natuke igatsen seda aega kus optimism oli piiritu ja mõttes oli ainult mida ma saavutan nüüd mõne aasta jooksul. Läks natuke teisiti kahjuks või õnneks. Aga nagu ühes kõnes öeldi, põrumisest õpib palju rohkem kui edust. Kõigega rahul olles inimene ei pinguta. Arvan, et olen palju õppinud end ümbritseva ja ka iseenese kohta paari viimase kohutava aasta jooksul. Kindlasti väärtustan palju rohkem neid paari inimest keda ma olen tahtnud enda lähedale jätta.

Kõik kes seda loevad, teadke, et olete väga olulised minu jaoks ja kahtlen, et ilma teieta oleksin täna nii hea kui ma olen. Aeg on muuta seda, mis mulle ei meeldi ja suurendada seda mis mulle meeldib. Aeg on pingutada, kui olukord on halb.

10 aasta pärast olen ma õnnelikum kui praegu.

Tänan lugemast,
-Hea inimene.


PS. Unustasin soundtracki lisada, siin ta on:

 

Stay the same.

 Okei vahepeal päris palju tegelikult toimunud.

Olin maal nädal aega. Pügasin hekki, niitsin muru. Aga see pole absoluutselt oluline. Üldiselt oli olek suhteliselt tume, ei kannata emaga koos olla enam üldse. Ei ole meeldiv tunne kui mind koheldakse kui 12 aastast. Anyway, käis kena külaline, grillisime liha ja mõne jaoks esimest korda vahukomme. Oli tore, rääkisime juttu, mõni teema meeldiv, enamus mitte nii väga. Pole viga, mõni asi oli vaja selgeks teha. Täielikku selgust kokku ei leppinud, aga mulle piisas, et mõtetega edasi liikuda ja jätta mõned asjad mis pikalt vaevanud unustuste hõlma. Vähemalt seda ma plaanin teha.

Täna Tallinna tagasi tulles oli huvitav. Panin arvuti tööle, TeamSpeak tööle ja kui ütlesin "hey friends" oma online buddydele, tervitati mind nagu ma oleks aastaid eemal olnud. Tegelikult olin ühe nädala. Naljakas minu jaoks. Oli väga hea kerge escapism teha.

Järgmine nädal tuleb küllaltki tõsine. Töö otsimine läheb päris karmiks ära, mulle tundub.

Tundub, et Tallinna elama jäämine on küllaltki kindel variant nüüd. Ausalt öeldes ma arvan, et ma ei suudaks Viljandisse tagasi minna, nüüd kui ma seda nädal aega kogesin.

Mul oli see eemal olnud nädal väga palju asju mõttes, aga nüüd kui ma üritan sellele mõelda, ei oska midagi siia kirjutada. Ju siis ei olnud oluline. Peamine vist siiski, et nüüd tunnen end hästi. Üritan hinnata seda mis mul on, mitte igatseda seda mida mul ei ole. Olen rahul endaga. Leian töö, elatan end ise ja ehk üks päev ma ei pea enam vaatama kõrvalt kuidas teised inimesed elavad, vaid tunnen, et ma ise ka elan. Elus on mitu nautida. Loodan ainult, et on seda kellegagi jagada.

Ah fuck... vaatan korra üles ja näen mis pealkirja panin siia. Tuli meelde. Seda lauset sai kunagi palju öeldud. Naljakas. Keegi ei ole jäänud samaks, väga palju on muutunud. Ei kahetse. Ei tunne, et ma oleks elus teinud midagi kohutavat. Muidugi oleks saanud olla tublim, parem, rõõmsam etcetera etcetera. Pole viga, olen ikkagi mina ja mina olen heaim.

Kell saab kohe 4, ma lähen teen õues suitsu, vaatan öist tallinnat ja mõtlen kui hea ma olen.

Head ööd, mu sõbrad.

Yours faithfully,

-M

PS: Kirjutamise soundtrack

Muusika.

Ei taha küll seda toredat nurgakest internetis üheks järjekordseks muusikablogiks muuta aga lihtsalt see album on liiga võrratu minu jaoks, et seda mitte jagada. Lemmikalbum *shels järel.
Iga kord seda kuulates on lihtsalt hea tuju!

Nostalgia.

Rüüpan rahulikult õlut, tunnen end hästi vahelduseks ja sümpatiseerin kunagise leemikalbumiga.

Dystopia.

Otsin tööd. Tuju nullis. Muusika hoiab siiski enam-vähem rõõmsana. Give me beauty or give me death.

Another perfect day.

Today I stopped and stared,
I realised I just don't care,
A chasm black and wide,
Between me and mankind.

I've walked this earth 1000 years,
Seen the pain and the tears,
An outcast all alone,
Take me back beyond the sun....

Like you've been away till another day
Like you've been away till another day
Like you've been away till another day
Like you've been away till another day

It's like you've been away till another day 
Like you've been away till another day 

Like you've been away till another day 

Like you've been away till another day 

Another perfect day 
Another perfect day

Another perfect day

Another perfect day